Steelport; man what a city. Only in Steelport could a person freely walk down the street and punch a homeless man in the crotch; only in Steelport could a man pile-drive a hooker into the pavement and only in Steelport could the rag-tag bunch of numpty arse gangsters known as the Saints become more than just a gang. The Saints have now become a brand, part of popular culture; they have energy drinks, branded clothing, record deals even a movie in production. Everybody wants to be in the Saints but does everybody know just what they are letting themselves in for?
Our demo starts in an area of Steelport owned by a gang known as the Luchadores, an Mexican wrestling gang who specialise in the drug and gambling trades. Our guide from THQ describes Saints Row The Third as “the most over the top, biggest guilty pleasure in gaming” as he proceeds to punch an old man in the face. “As you can see, Steelport is a very friendly place,” at which point he suplexs a perfectly innocent hooker into the ground. “Our goal was to create a sandbox where nothing is scrip…” he pauses and I wince as he lays the boot into a poor guy’s nuts before continuing “…where nothing is scripted and everything is dynamic, and the players have the freedom and choice to do what they want, but of course we want them to do what they want Saints Row style.” He runs up behind somebody who I suspect may have been a pimp, jumps in the air and then dropkicks the back of his head, smashing it into the sidewalk. That “awwww” noise which translates into “that must have hurt” flows through the room before turning into laughter at the absurdity of everything we just witnessed. Next, we’re shown a glimpse of the many different groin shots available including, but not limited to, a straight up punch to the nuts, a boot to the bollocks and weapon specific crotch shots – one of which involved tossing a shotgun in the air, catching the end of the barrel and the using it like a golf club on some poor bastard’s scrotum. Next up, we’re presented with a larger-than-humanly-possible purple dildo, which our character casually whips from his pocket and starts to beat the poor, helpless hookers and pimps who are just trying to make a living. With the dildo now safely back in his pocket we’re shown a new weapon known as the Apoca-fists – a big pair of fist shaped gloves with the Apocalypse stitched into the fabric. One punch to the gonads with these will result in the rest of you being turned into a fine red mist.